Oh Crap

People who know me well know that I have struggled with social anxiety for years.

I've gotten better. I can control it more easily. I know which situations to avoid, and usually avoid them.

Until today.

Last night we got a call from a member of the bishopric asking us to give talks next week. Heart stops. Heart starts again. Heart pounds. Breathing becomes rapid. Horrible scenes from my first and only panic attack assault my memory.

Luckily we weren't home when he called so it was just a message on the machine. But a message on a machine got this kind of reaction from me. So I thought about it all night. I tossed and turned as I thought about the likelihood of another panic attack. I thought about what progress can be made if I can actually go through with it. I thought about putting on my big girl panties and not being a wuss. After all it's been 5 years or so since that panic attack and I've made loads of progress.

And I came to a conclusion.

I talked to this member of our bishopric and told him about my anxiety, about the possibility of me passing out while giving a talk, or running out of the room or puking--whatever. I told him I needed an easy out if my anxiety got the best of me. So the deal was struck. I call them Sunday morning and let them know if I can do it or not. Simple as that. I'll still prepare a talk and hopefully talk my brain and guts into doing this. Hopefully I won't have any episodes of hyperventilating this week--that'll be my first sign that this is not going to happen.

Anyway, thinking positive, or at least trying to.

Or not.

What the bleep did I just sign up for?!