The truth?
I've struggled with social phobia for many, many years. When we first moved to Arkansas I was a basket case. Too many life events in a short amount of time put my phobia at an all time high. As usually happens when you move, we were asked to give talks in Sacrament meeting at church. I'd gotten in the habit of turning down those opportunities, but for some odd reason, I agreed. Bad decision. I stressed all week. I cried. I contemplated calling the guy back and saying forget it. Sunday came and I was a wreck. We drove to the church and my heart was pounding, palms sweating and my breathing was erratic. We walked in the church doors and I hit a wall. I could not take another step toward the Chapel. I started hyperventilating and ran to the bathroom and stayed there for the duration of the meeting.
The truth?
Having a phobia sucks. It's gotten in the way. I've skipped out on social activities because I can't stand the thought of having another panic attack. I dropped a calling to be a nursery leader because I freaked out the first time I had to give a 5 minute lesson to a bunch of 2 year olds with 2 adults listening. I stopped visiting teaching for a while because I was too afraid to call a couple of women to set up appointments. Pretty sad the way fear controlled my life.
The truth?
Even being more in control of my phobia, I still see areas where it affects my life. Today, for example. Something small. Trivial. And yet it glaringly showed me what I am missing. I was at a sweet friend's house visiting and I lost my keys. (Thanks Brianna). We started looking and I walked past a door. I had the thought, my keys are probably in there, I should look. But the door was shut and I thought again, nope, Bri wouldn't go in there. A few minutes later this friend found my keys in the same room I passed by. A prompting from the Holy Ghost and I didn't recognize it because I've spent more than a decade pushing those promptings aside. Heaven forbid I should talk to someone, give a talk or bear testimony.
I'm really not a nut case anymore. But the decisions I've made in the past to avoid uncomfortable circumstances have brought me to where I am now.
Maybe I should just get an extra set of keys.
5 comments:
I am there with you ...and I totally would walk into a wall too =) I love you Melissa!!
Oh Mel, that is SO hard! I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you are able to get past it soon and enjoy all those opportunities in life again. Good luck... and another set of keys might not hurt. :)
I always thought you were just shy ;) Well I hope that it will get easier for you, you have already overcome so much. Good luck!!!
hehehehe we are two of a kind.. Maybe thats why we were such good friends =)
I so have phobia's too... Being aware of them is the frist step.. the hardest step is the next one... Slowly taking baby steps towards not being afraid anymore... This is comming from a woman that stuck her arm in a wall and got clastrophobic today... Yup I'm a loony bin isn't great =)
Baby steps!! You have overcome so much.
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