Cancer: The ups and downs

I knew at the beginning that this would be an emotional roller coaster. I just didn't know how much of a roller coaster it would be. Things flip flop and change all the time. It's hard to keep up with.

Today, for example. Today Jen was super tired most of the day. And though she didn't say anything, I could just feel that she was having a hard day -- I think physically every day is a hard day -- today she seemed depressed. No wonder. She has every right to be depressed. It was hard to see her like that. So I'd come and go (seeing her) throughout the day, and there was just that feeling there. Then tonight, I sent her a text asking if it was okay if I came to say goodnight. She told me to come on over. When I got to her room, she was sitting up, going to town on her dinner. My parents were there, as well as my sister, Stacey. I walked in and could instantly tell that the mood had changed. Jen was feeling better. The atmosphere felt brighter and more hopeful and just plain old happier. I don't know what happened, it's like flipping on and off a switch. But to have her doing well at the end of the day brings more peace to my mind.

It happens to me as well. A couple nights ago, I was running errands with Stacey. We were talking and laughing and having a pretty good time, all things considered. I had told her that I was having a hard time processing all the emotions. I'd start to cry, but could only let the emotions out for a minute or less, then I'd shut myself down and stuff all the emotions inside. That night the dam broke. I cried and sobbed until 3am. I was in crisis mode. All hope had left me and I felt so alone and overwhelmed with anguish. The next morning I was in Salt Lake with Jen and the doctors came in with forms for medical care -- what she wanted if she stopped breathing, or if her heart stopped. She signed a DNR (do not resuscitate). The dam burst again. I had to turn away from my sister and the doctors and the tears came and came. There was no stopping them.

We flip flop all the time.

Between hope and despair.
Anger and faith.
Sadness and joy.
Numbness and feeling the full force of emotions.
Frustration and inspiration.

I have learned that I will go through the grieving process many, many times. Many times in a single day. Sometimes lingering on one step in the process. There is no particular order. They come and go. I'm learning to recognize and acknowledge all those feelings.

It's exhausting.